Exit Stage Left

I quit smoking a little over 12 weeks ago; it's the hardest thing I've ever done and while I'm technically still at risk for a relapse, I KNOW that I'm no longer a smoker. I know I'm done. Forever.

Everyone kept telling me that when I quit I would feel better: I would be able to breath better, I would be able to taste better, blah, blah, blah. For the record, none of this is true. I don't feel better--not at all, physically at least. In fact, I feel worse because I still crave the cigarettes and still feel like I'm depriving myself of something. However, that's not enough to get me to start again.

I have quit smoking on just one other ocassion: two years ago, for 12 days. In those 12 days I gained 12 pounds and at that time I was unable to deal with that. I started smoking just to keep the weight gain at bay---and was successful. In fact, I even lost some weight when I started up again. Which is why now that I've gained in excess of 15 pounds I am struggling even more so with remaining smoke-free. I know that quitting smoking is far better for my health than gaining a few pounds is as a detriment, but I've become just vain enough that the weight gain is really difficult to handle. Today I half-heartedly began following Weight Watchers again, but I'm not sure I have it in me to really stick to the program. I do know that I need to do something, because when your mom-the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally-tells you that you're getting fat; well, that should tell you something.

This might be enough to actually give me a heart attack...

A little over a year ago I instituted a hard and fast rule that I never drink-not a drop-if I'm driving. On more than one ocassion I have driven home after having too much to drink and I finally got disgusted enough with myself that I made this rule. It goes hand in hand with the rule that I can't have anything to drink at a work function. It sounds odd, but when you do what I do, drinking is inevitable. We regularly host an event called "Wine & Theatre"--'nough said. Anyhow, normally my non-drinking self is able to save a wad of cash by sipping Diet Coke, rather than wine, beer or vodka, but every now and then my soberness costs me a pretty penny.

On Saturday night I went out with a friend and several of her friends for her birthday. This isn't my normal group of friends, but I have met most of them on one ocassion or another, so it's not like they were complete strangers. My friend, we'll call her...Sally, she picked a very nice Japanese restaurant for her birthday celebration. Though not something I would've chosen myself, I tried to shed my inhibitions about eating food with which I'm not familiar and branch out. If for no other reason than because Sally deserves it. When we arrived, the first conversation was about whether to order a bottle of sake ($90) or individual boxes of sake ($9 each). Knowing that the bill would be split an even seven ways, excluding the birthday girl, from the tab, I tried to make it known that I was drinking tap water, without seeming like an obnoxious cheapskate, but when the bill arrived, the cost per person was calculated at $48.68 per person, equal for all, even those of us who drank plain ol' water.

I'm really not that cheap, I don't mind paying for a good meal, but this meal wasn't that good and the service was just plain bad, but because we were a party of eight they automatically added in the 18% gratuity. And because the liquor alone consumed at the table was in excess of $60 I feel like I paid more than my fair share. This is not the first time this has happened, and it will certainly not be the last, but that does not make the pill any easier to swallow, particularly
when it's being choked down without a drop of alcohol.

My apologies for lack of posting. I worked about 70 hours last week and am pretty spent. I hope to resume regular posting this evening.

Okay, so I'm a pretty open-minded girl and while I might be slightly high-strung and tend to take some things too seriously, in general I have a very good sense of humor and am pretty good at laughing at myself, which I mention only as a preface to the following story, which might make all things mentioned above seem contrary.

A couple/three weeks ago a new woman began work in the accounting department, which happens to be housed on the same floor as my department. This woman, I'll call her... Sally, is super-nice and I really like her, we've gotten to be friends, but only in the work sense, it's not like I'd call her up on a Saturday afternoon and ask her to catch a movie or anything, just chat it up at the water cooler, or the kitchen sink.

The past few days she's been acting a little more chummy: like asking me if I want to go to the Roller Derby (um, not happening) or if I could use an old lawn mower that she has sitting in her yard after I told her I didn't have one (no, thanks!). Slightly strange, but we're a friendly bunch at the DCPA, so I tried not to think much of it.

Today I was sitting at my desk minding my own business and something happened that has rocked me to the very core. Here is a verbatim regurgitation of a conversation I had with Sally.

Setting: A late morning in mid-May. Me, in my office, sitting quietly at my desk doing my work.

Sally enters. "Hey, Miss Molly are you busy?"

"Well, I'm very flattered and I have lunch plans already for today, but I could go to lunch with you sometime, I have friends who are boys and girls, I don't discriminate." I said, not wanting her to be embarassed, or to feel bad. "You're very nice to think of it."

As she left my office, I instantly regretted saying that. It could be construed as leading her on. Couldn't it? And I am most certainly never going to go to lunch with her, one on one.

Honestly the entire situation really is flattering, I meant it when I said that, but it's also extraordinarily embarassing and slightly disconcerting. What bothers me is not the fact that she asked (though that is odd, and I'll get to that in a minute), but the fact that on some level I could be giving off a gay vibe, which might possibly explain why I'm still single. I asked no less than ten people, including the two straight guys I work with (yes, there are two), if they thought I give off such a vibe, and they both said that I don't, but I still can't stop thinking about it.

Secondly, beyond the embarassment, beyond the confusion about the vibe is the fact that she asked. I tried to put myself in the position of what I believe I would have done had it been a guy in the same position who asked me out and came to the conclusion that I also would've said "no" though for different reasons. First and foremost, dating someone with whom one works in close proximity is not the smartest thing and secondly, Sally is a good 15 years older than me, which is bothersome on a completely different level.

And finally, beyond the embarassment and the over-analyzing is the fact that I now feel completely uncomfortable in my work environment. After today's "incident"I avoided walking by Sally's desk (difficult since she's out in the open and not in an office) and found myself alone in the women's restroom with her at one point--can you say "awkward?" I'm trying to act as though I'm unaffected, because I don't want her to feel bad, but at the same time, I AM affected and I AM bothered by it and I DO feel uncomfortable and well... that counts for something. It is not okay.

The good part in all of this is that I am laughing about it and it made an otherwise boring Thursday more exciting and perhaps most importantly, for once, for once, I had some good dating gossip--even if it was of the wrong variety.

I just spent 45 minutes writing a post that was rather interesting-at least to me-and when I finished it I realized that it's not really something that I'm comfortable being posting on the Internet, because even though most of my colleagues are not web savvy enough to figure out where this site is let alone that I write the content I'm just certain that the minute I post something that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with my colleagues seeing someone will find it and I will most certainly regret it. And because I worked a 13 hour day I'm too tired to think of something else, but I did promise a post every night this week and I intend to deliver...even though this is the most boring, pointless thing I've ever mustered up. Ah, C'est la vie. G'night.

I gots just one thing to say tonight: I'M GOING TO THE TONY'S! That's right folks, I'm going to the Tony Awards on June 10 and I'm so freakin' excited I can hardly stand it. Thanks go to Talia because she acquired the tickets and is letting me crash at her new pad in the City, and more thanks go to Mike and Mary because they're providing me the airfare hook-up, once again. I will chronicle our experience at the Awards themselves and keep a running list of all the celebrities I spy for later posting. One thing's for sure, I will most certainly walk out of Radio City Music Hall that evening with smeared mascara and eyeliner running down my cheeks since I cry when I'm excited. And, here's the best part, people: a host has yet to be named, which means it could be anyone--ANYONE! I can hardly wait. I don't know how I'm going to settle down enough to sleep tonight, I've just been hyper ever since Talia called today. I'm going to the Tony's, I'm going to the Tony's, I'm going to the Tony's...

Part of my job requires me to fill ticket orders. Yes, yes, in addition to buying advertising and negotiating promotions and now even pitching stories to the media I am also a box office. It's probably worth mentioning at this point that I actually applied for a job in the box office about seven years ago and they turned me down-some things are just meant to be. But, I digress. We provide tickets-in the form of vouchers-to our sponsors, media partners and for donations to other non-profits. They then distribute these vouchers to whomever their little hearts desire and those folks call me to exchange them for actual tickets. Sometimes people call me at 2 pm on a Saturday afternoon and then call back on Sunday because they haven't heard from me, as was the case this weekend. It's extraordinarily frustrating and annoying, but it's part of my job so I just shut up and call them back...eventually.

A woman who bought two tickets to a show on Friday night at a silent auction, called me on Saturday to reserve her tickets and then called again on Sunday. While I found this slightly irritating I tried to return her calls as quickly as I could this morning. I called this woman no less than three times today, allowing the phone to ring multiple time (meaning: more than ten) and nothing. I looked up her phone number in our ticketing database and searched for her name in hopes of finding an e-mail address of cell number, and nothing. She neither answered the phone, nor did an answering machine or voicemail pick up. So, now I fear that I look like an unprofessional slacker, not calling her back, when in fact I called her all day distracting myself from actual work. And it's not even enough for me to rest on the fact that she has caller i.d. and saw my missed calls when clearly this patron is so stuck in the 20th century that she doesn't even have voicemail! And, it led me to wonder: how does one survive in the year 2007 without such modern conveniences? And, more importantly, might it be considered disrespectful to the rest of society by not allowing them? It's like people who don't read their e-mail. It's simply rude. You may not like it but e-mail is a part of business so fucking read and respond to it. If you can't do that then perhaps you should consider getting a job where you don't have to use it. Similarly, if you don't have voicemail on your phone then please don't even think about leaving a message on mine. If you don't take the responsibility of having technology seriously yourself, then please don't take advantage of the fact that I do. But then again, what do I know? I was denied the chance to work in the box office, after all.

Thanks to a co-worker I have recently become obsessed with Michael Riedel's column in the New York Post; Wednesdays and Fridays. Though I ordinarily avoid any media that's owned by Rupert Murdoch I feel as though because I read the column online I'm not really supporting him, or anything he stands for and because I don't click on any of the banner ads I'm not supporting the advertisers who choose to support him either. Anyhoo...all that aside, Reidel's columns are at least entertaining--in a sardonic David Sedaris kind of way--and are frequently quite insightful, as well. As I read the column I frequently find myself thinking that writing a column about theatre is totally something I could do...and do pretty well. Perhaps that should be my next career goal: writing a column about theatre, exclusively.

Initially, when I started this blog, I'd thought that I'd write on theatre-related items more than I do (hence the URL), but when it came down to it I realized that that's not exactly the most effective way to spend my free time. Afterall, I spend 40+ hours per week working on theatre, coming home and spending my spare time writing about theatre might not be the healthiest idea I've ever had, I suppose. But, still... every Wednesday morning I open up that webpage and I think about what I would write about if I were Michael Reidel and if I had the resources of a daily paper at my fingertips and it's never about what Michael Reidel chooses to write. Still, while I doubt I'll ever write a strictly theatre-themed column, I do wonder about my ability to write a column, in general. Perhaps a daily column is something I'm incapable of, as I've clearly not been able to keep up with my blog, but maybe a weekly? Or maybe I'm not as interesting as I think I am, and I'd better just stick to blogger and entertaining the online voyeurs who come to take a glimpse into my life.

Even though I've really been lacking on the posting front I've still been walking around thinking up ideas and composing introductory sentences for posts in my head. Of course, now that I'm sitting here and ready to write I can hardly think of anything to say, or how to say it. I have become a blogging loser. Sad part is that I really enjoy blogging, so I'm really going to work on getting it back together. I vow to post every night this week, about something. Whether it be a simple daily update, or something more substantiative--there will be a post. So, stay tuned.

Just in case you weren't aware, Bill O'Reilly is a complete asshole.