Exit Stage Left

I quit smoking a little over 12 weeks ago; it's the hardest thing I've ever done and while I'm technically still at risk for a relapse, I KNOW that I'm no longer a smoker. I know I'm done. Forever.

Everyone kept telling me that when I quit I would feel better: I would be able to breath better, I would be able to taste better, blah, blah, blah. For the record, none of this is true. I don't feel better--not at all, physically at least. In fact, I feel worse because I still crave the cigarettes and still feel like I'm depriving myself of something. However, that's not enough to get me to start again.

I have quit smoking on just one other ocassion: two years ago, for 12 days. In those 12 days I gained 12 pounds and at that time I was unable to deal with that. I started smoking just to keep the weight gain at bay---and was successful. In fact, I even lost some weight when I started up again. Which is why now that I've gained in excess of 15 pounds I am struggling even more so with remaining smoke-free. I know that quitting smoking is far better for my health than gaining a few pounds is as a detriment, but I've become just vain enough that the weight gain is really difficult to handle. Today I half-heartedly began following Weight Watchers again, but I'm not sure I have it in me to really stick to the program. I do know that I need to do something, because when your mom-the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally-tells you that you're getting fat; well, that should tell you something.