Exit Stage Left

I can't sleep tonight, I've been tossing and turning for hours and I finally just got up in an effort to do something productive. I have been WAY too lax in my posting of late, and I apologize. Ironically there is a TON of stuff happening in my life, but nothing about which I feel comfortable writing publicly...at least not right now. I generally have very little trouble sharing personal details about my life with total strangers, but right now the things about which I have to write are of a sensitive enough nature that, work-wise, I feel it best to keep it confined to private gossip, rather than public. I'm generally not very good at restraint which is part of the reason I've chosen to not blog at all, rather than to blog and risk something slip out.

I'm sure that the desire to share much of what's going on is partly what's to blame in my lack of sleeping, for it's surely not for lack of exhaustion. One of my close friends, Erika, and her husband Zeke are moving to San Francisco. I spent the day at their apartment helping them to finish up their packing and loading the truck. I drew the line at cleaning their place for them, but Lord knows they sure needed the help in that department. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they were still there, scrubbing the hard wood floors and wiping down the walls. Moving sucks. It just does.

On Thursday, my sister Jamie and my darling niece, Rebekah, will arrive for a short visit. On Friday, my Father, Step mom and little sister will arrive. I am preparing for a chaotic weekend, no doubt about it. I spent this past weekend cleaning my house from top to bottom. It was the kind of cleaning that every house needs every now and again, but we always feel to busy to actually achieve. My cleaning took nearly two days to complete, but now that it's done, I feel such a sense of accomplishment and I feel comfortable having company. Jamie and Rebekah will stay here and Jamie is probably the most anal-retentive person I know, hopefully I pass her test. One thing I know for sure, it could never be as bad as having to stay at my sister Joan's. Yikes! Clearly I have no problem at all talking about my family on my blog, why should I care about work?

When I was 12 I used to sit around and name my unborn children. I had 11 of them - six girls and five boys - but only because that's how many names I could come up with that I liked. I had no concept of how ridiculously stupid it would be to have 11 children, nor did I consider that by the time I reached child bearing age (now) I might not be in the position to have kids, or even want them.

At some point while I was in high school I decided that I wasn't too sure I would have kids. It's not that I don't like kids and it's not that I don't want them, it's just that some people shouldn't have them and I thought (think?) I might be one of those people. I began to question my ability to be a good parent, deciding that perhaps I was meant to do other things, that my talents lie elsewhere. Having never been in a serious relationship - and certainly never one with someone whom I'd consider procreating - it was not until recently that I realized that in all my hesitation I never considered the fact that, ideally, when having children, it's not something I would be doing alone, that there would probably be someone else to share in the responsibility. Perhaps this is a clear example of how being the product of divorce at a very early age has affected me most: there is such a thing as a two parent household? All kids don't grow up with a single parent? What? How can that be? Seriously... I just figured this out less than a month ago when an old, gay, friend of mine asked me if I would consider having a baby with him.

My immediate reaction: no fucking way, you've got to be kidding me!! But then I started thinking about it... in five years, when I'm in my mid-30s (and inevitably still single) and there's someone else there to help out, maybe this isn't such a crazy idea. After all, Michael and I have been friends for 10 years, he's a good person (crazy, but good) would be a good father, is willing to move wherever I live to raise said child not to mention that having a baby with a gay man would probably freak my father out beyond belief. In fact, I think that alone might make the whole thing worthwhile.

I'm not really one to not be able to sleep. If given the opportunity I could sleep for 12 or 14 hours a night, I'm sure--no problem. So, when I don't feel sleepy, can't sleep or simply don't want to something's up. Such is the case tonight. After a relatively chill weekend I am feeling anxious about going back to work tomorrow and I feel a jumble of emotions, all mostly unidentifiable. It's like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but excited and hopeful all at the same time. It doesn't help that apparently when I changed the light bulbs on the front porch light earlier today I apparently didn't get the cover on tightly and it just fell off and broke on the sidewalk--I'm sure the sound of breaking glass was as comforting to my neighbors as it was to me. Idiot.

Every so often I go through a phase where I feel inferior to and jealous of everyone I know. This behavior is completely irrational and I know it, but that doesn't stop it from happening. It's also likely to be the reason I can't sleep tonight, despite the fact that I have to be up and out the door in just eight short hours. I thought it might be helpful if I wrote about what's bugging me, even if it is slightly more personal than I like to get on this blog.

Tonight I feel envious of everyone I know because everyone I know has something which I, myself, desire. These are people who live in houses I'll only dream of, in cities that are just out of my reach, they have children to love and spouses who worship them. They have central air conditioning and cars that don't cost them thousands of dollars to repair. They were never smokers and so don't have to deal with the inevitable weight gain that comes with quitting. They can afford to pay someone to clean their houses or are simply motivated enough to do it themselves so they don't live in filth. They don't do things that they never intended to do just to appear more adult-like. They don't pine after people who couldn't care less...well, you get the idea. Essentially, tonight (this morning?) I feel like my life's a waste, that I have nothing to offer and that I'm going nowhere...fast. You'd think that would provide the motivation to tuck myself into bed and never get up, but instead I am the opposite, but what else is new?

I realize that I'm being more negative than usual lately and I apologize for that. I'm using this blog-and you, my readers-as a sounding board, but because I don't want sympathy or pity I'm going to turn off comments on all posts which are self-loathing, martyr like or simply depressing, this one included.

I know it's lame-o, but being busy will once again have to suffice as my excuse for lacking in the posting department. I apologize. The exciting thing-at least for me-is that people have been asking me to post, which means they enjoy reading, which is encouraging on some level.

Moving on...

I know I promised a "full update" about my trip to the Tony Awards, but I will refrain from doing so, because surprisingly enough I don't have a lot to say about it. The entire experience was completely surreal, the kind of thing that even looking back on it I can't say that I believe it happened, even though I was there. It happened. Believe it. Because most people ask me, the "best" part was walking in the door and seeing the stage was utterly unbelievable and completely and totally surreal. Seeing the theatre-type "celebrities" was, of course, a lot of fun. I'd name-drop, but most of you who are reading this wouldn't know who I was talking about anyway-and Talia, you don't count. All in all my trip to the Big Apple was absolutely great, though I have to tell you: I don't plan on returning to the Tony's anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast, but it's that kind of situation where I want it to be special and if I were to go again it would lose a certain amount of its luster, so the next time I go it will be as a nominee. :)