Exit Stage Left

I'm not really one to not be able to sleep. If given the opportunity I could sleep for 12 or 14 hours a night, I'm sure--no problem. So, when I don't feel sleepy, can't sleep or simply don't want to something's up. Such is the case tonight. After a relatively chill weekend I am feeling anxious about going back to work tomorrow and I feel a jumble of emotions, all mostly unidentifiable. It's like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but excited and hopeful all at the same time. It doesn't help that apparently when I changed the light bulbs on the front porch light earlier today I apparently didn't get the cover on tightly and it just fell off and broke on the sidewalk--I'm sure the sound of breaking glass was as comforting to my neighbors as it was to me. Idiot.

Every so often I go through a phase where I feel inferior to and jealous of everyone I know. This behavior is completely irrational and I know it, but that doesn't stop it from happening. It's also likely to be the reason I can't sleep tonight, despite the fact that I have to be up and out the door in just eight short hours. I thought it might be helpful if I wrote about what's bugging me, even if it is slightly more personal than I like to get on this blog.

Tonight I feel envious of everyone I know because everyone I know has something which I, myself, desire. These are people who live in houses I'll only dream of, in cities that are just out of my reach, they have children to love and spouses who worship them. They have central air conditioning and cars that don't cost them thousands of dollars to repair. They were never smokers and so don't have to deal with the inevitable weight gain that comes with quitting. They can afford to pay someone to clean their houses or are simply motivated enough to do it themselves so they don't live in filth. They don't do things that they never intended to do just to appear more adult-like. They don't pine after people who couldn't care less...well, you get the idea. Essentially, tonight (this morning?) I feel like my life's a waste, that I have nothing to offer and that I'm going nowhere...fast. You'd think that would provide the motivation to tuck myself into bed and never get up, but instead I am the opposite, but what else is new?

I realize that I'm being more negative than usual lately and I apologize for that. I'm using this blog-and you, my readers-as a sounding board, but because I don't want sympathy or pity I'm going to turn off comments on all posts which are self-loathing, martyr like or simply depressing, this one included.